And I’m back…

September 12, 2011 Ka'ela Ja'el
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So, um, yeah…I’ve been a bit quite on all fronts lately. There’s a reason for that, really. It was because my bed was nice and warm, and my couch was comfy, and the quiet and solitude of my home was reassuring and safe.

In other words, a good (bad) dose of depression, triggered by a rather awful event. I’ve had bouts before, and they’re nearly always triggered by an event, but this was possibly my most intense. Initially, I didn’t leave the house for six days – I was lucky if I even stepped outside to experience fresh air and sunshine (which I know I should), and I didn’t talk to anyone either. If you didn’t live in my house, in my immediate vicinity, you ceased to exist. And that included my mum and some of my closest friends. I couldn’t deal with anyone. Even my online interactions became virtually non-existent. For two weeks I read, I had a meltdown, I watched TV, I had a meltdown, I did jigsaws, I had a meltdown. And that was it. Normally, when I’m depressed, I bake, but this bout even transcended baking.

Towards the end of the second week of being shut down, I started to force my way out – I actually made it into real clothes several times, and I could deal with select people on a one on one basis, and I could even do some baking, but anything more was asking too much. Currently, I’m running with the motto “A day without tears is a good day.”

So the big challenge was this weekend just gone. I had a convention to go to at Burswood, but how do you cope with 8,000 – 10,000 people, when you can’t even deal with 2? There was no question of  missing it. It’s far too important, and I really needed to be there for all three days. But I didn’t want to see *people*. And I certainly didn’t want to disgrace myself by becoming a blubbering mess in front of everyone. So, I developed some strategies that involved hiding up in the nosebleed seats, so I wouldn’t be in a the pathway of passersby. And it was an effort to get up to them, so that was my exercise for the day! Climbing grandstand stairs in heels – ugh! And if I needed to stretch my legs, or go to the toilet, I went during the session, so I lessened the chance of bumping into anyone I knew, because you *always* bump into people you know in when you go to the loo! So for three days, I pretty much stayed up in our seats, watching people and listening. And you know what!? I did it. I successfully made it through the entire thing with only a few minor meltdowns, and not without running into anyone. That’s not to say I didn’t talk to anyone, but the handful of people I did talk to were all aware of where I have been at, so, you know, I survived, and it was awesome! Today, I feel like I could take on the world. Well, not really, I think I’m still pretty aware of my limitations, but I’m a heck of a lot better than I was this time last week even.

Now, I’ve got to get through the next week. Dad ended up in RPH with a chest infection last night and he’ll be there until at least Wednesday, as they’ve picked up some anomaly with his heart and want to run some tests.


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One Comment Add your own

  • 1. Sarah Lee Parker  |  September 18, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    Oh Kaela, I didn’t know! I’m so sorry love.

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